Kaliko Journal is a free newsletter about natural dyeing, textiles, art practice, and life by Ania Grzeszek. This publication is divided into two sections: ”Plant Dyeing” and “Studio Practice”. You can manage your subscription by clicking “Unsubscribe” at the bottom of the email and opting IN and OUT of the sections that interest you. This is also where you can pledge your financial support for this publication, which would help me continue to sustain it.
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Writing after a long break is always gut wrenching. I didn’t keep in touch for the last two months, either here nor on Instagram really, because all I needed was to be alone.
Culmination of this alone time is a week I spend solo in my tiny house in the mountains, starting today. Gustaw, my beloved dog and chosen life companion is with me, enjoying the snow while I enjoy snuggling under the blankets, reading books, occasionally dozing off, and thinking about the Universe. Today I will try to light up the fireplace for the first time in my life, which I am equally stressed and excited about, so please keep me in your thoughts, so that I don’t burn down the place I worked so hard for!
So many things I am doing for the first time in my life since I last wrote here. First time ever traveling solo, first time ever living solo, first time ever being completely in charge of only myself and no-one else (well, apart of my baby Gustaw). Such a confusing time. I am taking it slow, trying to simply observe my feelings and desires as they come up.
I am single again. We split up sometime in September, in a lengthy, sad, beautiful, and wholesome process, as wholesome as a breakup after 10 years together can be. We still have immense love for each other and are each other’s best friends, and I hope it stays this way.
I don’t think I ever felt the pain as severe as when I suddenly realised one Monday morning we would be better off without this marriage. He agreed. We spent the next couple of weeks talking for hours every day, trying to figure out of how to go forward from here. There were gallons of tears yet not a shadow of doubt or regret. The compromises we worked out over the years held us both in the “almost-happy” state and I finally realised that’s not how I want to live my life. And yet letting go is one thing that I always thought I couldn’t do.
I was debating for weeks if I should even write about it here. I still don’t know what’s the right way to go for me, but today I finally felt like putting what I feel into words. So I might also send them out into the world. First time in weeks that I cried again today, thinking and writing about the heaviness and fear that comes with big life transitions. Oh gosh, I don’t like changes, I really don’t. I don’t even like getting out of bed when it’s warm and cozy, so don’t get me started on getting out of a warm and cozy relationship...
If there’s one main feeling that accompanied me in the last months, though, it would be courage. Leaving my marriage made me realised I am really brave. I never felt so brave before. I’ve been hiding, keeping myself small, dependable, quiet, in the shadow—until now. Which is such a stupid thing to say for someone who almost independently managed to build a house abroad. I am still learning to be proud of myself apparently.
Am I happier than before? Too early to say. I trust myself completely that I will be.
What’s difficult at the moment? Everything. Being alone at home in the evenings. Paying the whole rent by myself. Taking care of Gustaw while working two jobs. Figuring out how I will pay for his half of the tiny house. Getting here without a driving licence (god bless the trains and big travel backpacks). Dating! Oh so hard! And even though it all got so complicated, everything feels lighter than before.
The state I am in at the moment—curiously observing. I am documenting my feelings with daily selfies (writing felt too daunting until now), and it’s so interesting and plainly said—shocking—to see how my face changes from week to week. I am observing how I react to people and situations now that it’s just me without any security blanket. How I feel more grounded and lost at the same time. One thing that I have never expected is that my anxiety levels would suddenly drop instead of rise, even though my life admin got so much more complicated. Ha! But I am not trying to learn any lessons, draw metaphors or find silver linings. I’m not on a self-improvement journey here. Taking it day by day with real amazement for how weird and interesting this life can be.
Last month I went to a concert by myself. I stood in the middle of the front row, face to face with the lead singer, taking it all in. I felt happy. Happiest in years.
P.S. No business talk today but if you want to support me, use code BLESS at the checkout for Black Friday deals. Kisses.
Last year in September I also ended 10 years relationship. Even tough it' long time ago I'm still trying to process that this person is not in my life anymore. Your words are mine words, but year ago. It fascinates me how accurate it is. But let me say, you are strong and this time might be challenging, but you will get stronger and feeling much better. Wish you all the best
Dear Ania, your bravery is inspiring and I admire it. I still can’t say out loud - I am single - even though I have been for the last year and three months now. Saying this out loud after six years of relationship and life together with my ex-partner makes me feel like a failure, like I didn’t find the way to keep that fireplace of love growing. It’s the first time I’m saying these things beyond my diary lines, my therapy sessions and it feels liberating. Let this space of common sharing that you opened here bring strength. P.S. it’s funny, as I can’t fall asleep on this Full Moon, I finally got myself the book I wanted to read in years - Women who run with the wolves - maybe you heard of it too. Big hug 🫂