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I finished my group therapy 2 weeks ago, after 150 sessions over 4 years, which I'm not happy about at all, but the health insurance has decided that's enough. // I am in my beautiful house in Poland at the moment and realised that I only write when I am here, so I opened Substack and started typing. // I'm still mourning my last relationship, which I had hoped would be over by now, but clearly it's not, and I’m tired. // Kaliko will start selling out stock in a couple of weeks (sale coming up) and remove all physical products by the end of September/December (tbd). // I will vacate my studio by the end of Q3, after 6 years there, and will only work from home from now on, and only when something special comes up, because I can finally do it just for fun. // I've been working in HR full-time for a year now and I hope there are many more to come, because this job is pure joy.
Somehow words are not so easy to put on the page this time. In the last year or two I have become allergic to metaphors, learnings, silver linings, self-help and personal development. And without any of that, what's there to write about? So I'm sending you a snapshot of what's on my mind today. I'm also keeping it here as a reminder for myself of where my mind was in April 2025.
What I have noticed recently is: wow, I am here. And I am so happy that I can be here, to actively notice that I have skin that can touch, ears that can hear, eyes that can see, a nose that can smell, and a heart that can feel. I want to have a lot of fun, and I want to still be in awe when it’s not fun at all. How magical, so much to discover and expose myself to. I consider myself very lucky and believe that being here, safe and healthy, is something very special. That doesn't make me immune to a lot of grief at the moment, because I have to let go of so many things I never wanted to let go of. But it makes those sad moments more bearable than they ever were in the past.
When I was in the last stretch of my therapy I thought a lot about whether I had learned anything and whether it had helped me. Yes, it helped, a lot. I am forever grateful to my therapy group and my therapist who pushed me to join. I just can’t recommend psychoanalytical group therapy enough. No, I didn't learn anything. Therapy helped me to understand myself better, and from understanding comes acceptance. And acceptance is the first step to trust and I hope that I can continue to practice trusting myself completely until I am no longer here. This is the most difficult part. And the reason I don't think I learned anything is because I think I already had everything I needed in me, and I'm pretty sure everybody does.
My life now, 4 years after I started therapy, is completely different from what it was in 2021. Nothing is the way I expected it to be. The only constant is my sweet dog, and I'm glad that he's the thing that stuck and that we can be together in this tiny house. Bless the heavens for the animals.
I'm sorry to everyone who's waiting for an answer from me, I haven't written back to most of the people I like. My head wasn't straight and I didn't feel like I had it in me, please forgive me, I'll get back to you :)
“I have become allergic to metaphors, learnings, silver linings, self-help and personal development.” THIS. I can appreciate this as i’m currently on that same bus. Take care of yourself❤️
Thinking of you Ania, it's been a long space between now and when I tried my first jar of dye in the sun on my windowsill from your tuturial - you will always be in my heart as a true inspirer for life, creativity and energy! Have loved seeing all your transitions and will champion you from over here in whatever you do next - take good care of you, Jacquie (jac.weave) xox