Chaos breeds chaos

a disorganised life-update

Jul 01, 2024

Kaliko Journal is a free newsletter about natural dyeing, textiles, art practice, and life by Ania Grzeszek. This publication is divided into two sections: ”Plant Dyeing” and “Studio Practice”. You can manage your subscription by clicking “Unsubscribe” at the bottom of the email and opting IN and OUT of the sections that interest you. This is also where you can pledge your financial support for this publication, which would help me continue to sustain it.

Feel free to share parts of this letter wherever and with whomever you’d like, remembering to tag me. If you want to support my work, subscribe to this publication and/or purchase my handmade products. Take care of yourself wherever you are.

Half an hour ago I suddenly felt the urge to write a life update, maybe to reflect on the last 6 months of this year, or maybe just to procrastinate as my to-do list is starting to get out of control. Whatever it is, I've heard from a few of you, dear readers, asking when I'll be posting again - and "again" is apparently now.
The thoughts in my head are not sorted, so I just put them on the page as they come to me. If I waited until I knew what I wanted to say, I probably wouldn't be posting anything for a while, so please bear with me. Or delete this mail now to avoid my ramblings.

Life has been a whirlwind lately. It couldn't be more different from what I knew a year ago. I am now working full time as an HR-lady at a start-up, living on my own for the first time in my life and in a brand-new relationship at the age of almost 35.

This Kaliko Journal might actually need a new name sometime in the future, as my Kaliko-self is almost non-existent at this point.

Where do I even start?
I just don't have the time or energy to work two jobs. Kaliko runs quietly in the background while I try to squeeze all the orders, admin and production into one Saturday afternoon a week. You guessed it, it doesn't work very well. My beautiful vintage loom is gathering dust and its beater won't be swinging any time soon, my dye pots pile up in the corner of my studio. And I'm not even sad about it. This business has brought me some good times and I am sure that the passion for textiles will come back when the time is right, but that time is just not now.

Talking about time... I think about it a lot at the moment. It feels like it's slipping through my fingers, both in terms of planning my days and weeks and thinking about my life.
It's exactly 4 years since I first saw an advert for the land we bought in 2020. My tiny house is almost finished, with the last big (outdoor) job planned for the beginning of August. This project has certainly taken longer than expected. And how weird it is to finally walk in, now that it's everything I've ever wanted, but with another person by my side. Surreal, to say the least.
My therapy sessions are also coming to an end, three and a half years have gone by in the blink of an eye and I only have until the beginning of 2025 to prepare myself for being alone with my thoughts. How did this happen? When I first started my group therapy, 4 years felt like a life sentence. Now I wish someone would just pause the whole thing.
Maybe it's because it painfully shows me that I'm getting older and instead of getting closer to starting a family, I'm further away than I've been in the last 10 years. And I know I have a while to go, but every decision I make now suddenly feels very serious, like I should think twice about it because no one is going to make me 25 again. Where’s the space for making mistakes here?

On a more positive note, I'm actually enjoying my life immensely right now and I think that's what makes me want time to stand still for a moment.
I'm not going to write about my relationship because it's still very fresh, but what has surprised me this year is that I can get so much satisfaction out of an office job again.
HR, wow! I love trying new things, I'm actually good at what I do and I feel like I belong there, at least for now. My job is both analytical and creative, I work a lot with people and their emotions, but also with data and numbers. I learn about scalable businesses, about people, law, analytics and what not. Who knew?! If it wasn't for the breakdown of my previous relationship, I wouldn't be looking for this kind of job. It has led me to a place I didn't expect, but for which I am grateful.

A few people have actually told me recently that they believe everything happens for a reason. And you know what…? I don’t know about that.

The only thing I really know for sure, and I could bet my life on it as a woman in her mid-thirties, is that chaos breeds chaos, so it's better to keep your place clean and tidy at all times. A piece of advice worth following, and the only one I have.